visitors

Dan's parents have been out for nearly 2 weeks. It's gone surprisingly well. I was a little depressed about a week before they arrived and even e-mailed a girl I met from the perinatal loss group because I felt like I needed to tell what was on my mind to someone who didn't know any of the people involved. I will post that e-mail at the end. There's still a lot of resentment left over from Hailey's pregnancy. I know I need to let this go. It's not just with Dan's parents but also Dan himself. We struggled for months with our relationship. Most of the time I've moved on but sometimes it still eats away at me.

Back to the visit. We've been very busy. We went on a little ski holiday with them to Sun Peaks and we took turns watching Lauren and skiing. It was a little bittersweet. Dan and I LOVE being outdoors and skiing and while we were there I kept going back to how this never would've happened with Hailey. The altitude would've been too high for sufficient oxygen levels.  The rest of the visit has been uneventful. We've spent a lot of time at home playing since it was really cold outside. The weather's finally changed and we went for a nice long walk today. Tomorrow we drive them to the airport and while it's been nice having them visit it'll be nice to be on our own again.

Here's the e-mail, I've let out parts that talk about her story and what she's been through:

I've been feeling a lot of guilt lately. I can't stop thinking of Hailey, even my dreams are of her. I can't remember if I told you but Dan and I had different opinions on what to do when we found out she was sick. When they went over the options after the first echo ending the pregnancy went in one ear and out the other because to me it wasn't an option. When we got home I was shocked when Dan turned to me and said that's what he wanted to do because it had never crossed my mind. We struggled with what to do and it started off with me saying there's no way I could do it and Dan saying telling me that it was my choice since it was my body and then somewhere there was a switch and I felt I was just getting pushed from different sides. When we told our families everyone on my side said "whatever you decide we support you 100%" no one wanted to sway us either way. Dan's family had the opposite approach. They felt they should give their opinions and Dan's dad and I went back and forth with e-mails ( I don't even remember what they were about but I do remember it wasn't happy or encouraging ones) and I still feel a little hurt by Dan for not sticking up for me. There were times where I begged him to ask his Dad to back off and his response was "just let him say what he wants to say and move on." Our families don't speak now because of this. One day I called my mum at work to pick me up cause I was getting pains and the doctor sent me to the hospital for monitoring and in the end everything was fine and put it down to stress. I'd been sending the e-mails to my mum and she sent them one asking them to please stop and reminding them that we hadn't decided what to do and the extra stress on top of what we were already going through wasn't good for the baby or me. They didn't appreciate this and apparently took her e-mail as mind your own business (as Dan recently told me they had put it.) 

I wanted to let her fight and it kills me not knowing if we did the right thing. I was never very good with fully listening when the doctors where talking. I remember after the first echo we sat in this room with a bunch of doctors and they told us her diagnosis and when they went over the options all I could do was stare at the ultrasound pic I'd just received. Eventually I had to turn it over because it was too painful to look at her and discuss surgeries and heart transplants and how her life would never be normal. God that day still feels like yesterday if I think about it. The second echo was the same. I didn't really understand what they were talking about but Dan seemed to get it and ask questions. I remember Dan asking 2 questions at the second echo. He'd noticed there was blood flow into the left ventricle which wasn't there before which the doctors said didn't change anything since even if there was it was too small to function and Dan said he'd overheard them talking and was wondering what they were worried about with the aorta. I think I tuned out because I don't remember the answer and it wasn't until that night when Dan and I were discussing the day he explained that it meant they couldn't do transplant or surgeries. That's when I sided with him about ending it. I still wonder if this was true.

I also wonder if I have PND or if it's just normal to feel this way after everything we've been through. I still care for and look after Lauren but sometimes I look at her and think about how she's not Hailey and that she shouldn't really be here. I feel horrible for thinking that and I really do love her and am so thankful for her and that she's healthy. I don't know. Dan's parents are coming  to visit next week so maybe that's why this is all coming back? I'm really hoping when they leave I'll start to feel better. I was thinking of going back to counselling but never actually call to make the appointment.

Sorry to put this on you. I've just been having a hard few months which sucks after so long of feeling better about everything.They say you have ups and downs and that you'll always have bad days. I've had a stretch of good days and am just waiting for them to start again. I'm also feeling bad for telling you all this because I don't want you to think that 2 years in you'll feel how you do now because it does get easier and days get better. I also don't want to sound ungrateful for Lauren either.

Hope you're doing ok. Hoping 2012 is a better year for you. My way of looking at 2011 was that it couldn't get much worse after the hell 2010 was.

 I should add that the moment the e-mail was sent I felt better. Sometimes you really do just have to get it off your chest instead of bottling it up.