Today was Hailey's due date

As the title says today was Hailey's due date. It's also my husbands birthday. I've been struggling with this for a while. I want to be supportive and hope he has a great birthday but all I want to do is lay in bed and cry.  My work booked me off for today and my mum and I will be going to my grandfather's grave (where we will scatter the ashes next weekend) this afternoon with pink balloons. We're going to write messages on them for her and let them float away. We've been trying to find something to do to mark this special day. My mum suggested buying baby food/formula and taking them to the local food bank. I really like this idea but what it comes down to is I'm nowhere near ready to go to a store and buy these things. To be honest I'm also still bitter at the thought of others being able to have children who can't afford food while we can and are childless. Maybe next year when everything isn't so raw. I've been thinking of going out today and getting a heart necklace. I've got my bracelet with her name on it but it doesn't feel like enough. I'm not a jewellery person at all but I love wearing my bracelet. I just need these little reminders that she happened and I love her so much.

I'm hoping things will get better and easier after today has passed. I haven't had a chance to grieve the miscarriage because it happened so close to the due date. As terrifying the thought of losing another pregnancy is I've had a renewed interest in hoping it happens again quickly. Since this day marks the end of a year for my husband I'm hoping 29 is our year :)

Feeling guilty

I'm feeling guilty about not being very upset about the miscarriage. Yes I'm sad it happened and i wish it didn't but I'm not really upset about it. I don't know if this is because before 12 weeks you know it can happen or just due to what we went through with Hailey I'm ok with it happening. My views on miscarriage have always been that there was something very wrong with the baby. I also feel like after losing Hailey later in the pregnancy I'm more ok with a miscarriage because I'd rather it happen now then 14-40 weeks in. Maybe it's because we are over the shock. Nothing surprises us anymore and we knew it would likely end this way nearly 2 weeks before. I know my husband is upset and sad. I told him how I was feeling last night and he tried to make me feel better by saying "you shouldn't feel sad when you get your period, so you don't have to now." That's not really true. I guess in a way this pregnancy was only a potential baby and same with my egg every month but the fact that a baby had started to form makes me care more. I think it all has to do with how close this is coming to Hailey's due date. I hate thinking about how different our lives would've been if we had kept going, or if she would've been healthy. I should be getting the room ready and making sure the car seat is installed correctly not going for an ultrasound to make sure I had a complete miscarriage.

I had that appointment today. I was secretly hoping she'd say "it looks like you had twins....and one's still there!" but I knew it wasn't going to happen. She didn't say anything, just told me it can take a week for the doctor to get the results. I went by myself and when I told my husband about the time frame he was shocked but really we all know if something had come up I'd know before I left the hospital. I guess a slight positive is that this is the first time at an ultrasound they didn't have to leave the room to speak with a doctor! Hopefully this means our luck is changing. I'm getting really frustrated with this whole miscarriage thing. I just want it to be over. I had to leave work early on Wednesday because the cramps and pains were coming back. I ended up going to a walk in clinic to find out what and how much I could take of pain relievers (a lot more then I thought!) I'd assumed this was happening because I didn't fully miscarry and there was still more that was going to come out. Well I was just finishing doing an ECG today and I felt a clot come. Thankfully it's a short walk to the bathroom and nobody noticed. I was so frustrated though because I'd pretty much stopped bleeding until then.

I also had a bit of a panic attack this morning. I started thinking about what the emerg doctor said about genetic testing. I realized the baby stopped growing very early. What if this was because of another heart defect that meant the heart never formed or started beating? I know I'm probably just thinking too much into it.

My husband turns 29 tomorrow. I'm really hoping that this year is a good year for him. We are due for some good things to happen :)

Feeling better

As Hailey's due date rapidly approaches I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the positives in life.  While we are struggling with having children I really am blessed. I have an amazing husband who I love so much and who I have no doubt loves me too. We have a very open and honest relationship. We tell each other everything (at least I do and assume he does too!) He truly is my best friend and I can't imagine life without him. 

I also have an amazing family. My dad's side is a little lacking (my grandfather was not a very nice person. Short version.....he left my grandmother behind in Hungary, divorced her and told my dad she was dead when he was 4. She finally found him 15 years ago through the red cross.) My mum has 7 brothers and sister and they are all very close. I love spending holidays at my grandma's since it's always a little crazy when everyone is together.  I also have a few good friends. My husband says I'm too picky in making friends, but to me what it comes down to is I'd rather have a few good friends who I trust and can rely on instead of a whole bunch of friends who aren't there for me. 

While I'm sad this pregnancy didn't work out, I know things happen for a reason. I've also realized that life has a funny way of working itself out. We are going through this hard time now, but will one day look back and be grateful for all we have been through to get us where we are. This experience has taught me a lot. I'm not a very patient person and as my sister pointed out to me yesterday, if our next pregnancy is successful I'll have been pregnant the same amount of time an elephant is.....18 months! I know one day we will have a healthy baby and I'm trying very hard to be patient. I'm also very much a planner. I'd told my friends before we started trying for a baby how frustrating I found the whole process. You have no control! It's completely out of your hands when you fall pregnant. You can start trying and get pregnant that first month, or it could take a few years. You can't plan and I've had to accept that.

I'll end here but I thought I'd add a picture of our pet. My husband has a pet dander allergy so this was our compromise. 

Miss Prickles.....the hedgehog :)

I've miscarried (a warning that it might be graphic)

I'm pretty sure the doctor's were right. There was a sac but no baby. The bleeding got a little better in the morning and wasn't clotting at all but around 9pm I started bleeding quite a bit. It felt like I was in labour. I miscarried at around 12:30 am (not quite an hour ago.) I'm a little concerned because I've never had a miscarriage before and don't know how much blood in normal. I'd assume it's like after giving birth but I've already gone through 2 pads. I'm staying up to keep an eye on it since my doctor told me if I start bleeding heavily (going through 3 pads an hour) then go to the hospital. I've also still got pretty bad cramps that make me stop what I'm doing and just hold my stomach (almost like REALLY bad menstral cramps.)

While physically I've been better, emotionally I'm ok. As sad as I am to see this pregnancy end I'm happy my body finally did what it was supposed to. I take a lot of comfort in knowing there wasn't a baby. Having gone to the ultrasound at what should've been 8 weeks was really a blessing. As stressful as these past 2 weeks have been at least we know the truth. If we can get through losing Hailey we can get through this. I  wholeheartedly believe that as sad as miscarriages are, they happen for a reason. I'd rather lose a baby now as hard as it is then have to go through another stillbirth further into the pregnancy.

I'm writing this a few hours later. I stopped writing and went to check on the bleeding. It was really bad. I didn't even have time to switch pads without getting blood everywhere so my husband took me to the hospital. The drive is less then 5 minutes away and by the time I got there I had soaked through the new pad. The first hour we were there I went through 5. The nurses where really great and when we saw the doctor he did a CBC (to check my hemoglobin to see if I needed a transfusion) and a group and screen (incase I needed a transfusion.) Over the 2.5 hours we were there the bleeding started slowing down and since my hemoglobin was within normal ranges they let me go home with instruction to come back if I start getting lightheaded or feel like I'm going to pass out. This means Daniel gets the job of watching me for the day just to make sure I don't pass out! They've also told me to keep my ultrasound appointment to make sure there is nothing left behind. When we got home I e-mailed my sister because I knew she was in blood bank this morning to let her know what happened. I guess she didn't read my e-mail because she called at 7am asking if I was ok. She was clearing papers from last night and noticed my name. This is exactly why I sent the e-mail so she wouldn't have to panic and worry. Oh well she now knows everything should be ok. I should also add that when we got home I passed what I believe is a baby. My husband thought it was strange that I was trying to get a good look at this huge clot but I'm pretty sure I can see a tiny umbilical cord. The fetus seems to be wrapped in this strange large red thing I can only assume was supposed to be the placenta. All I can see is a little bit of white in the middle so I don't know for sure if this is the fetus or something else. I've kept it because I didn't feel right just flushing it down the toilet. I'm going to bury it near one of our bushes today.

Besides being really tired I'm doing surprisingly ok. I think this has to do with us knowing for the past 2 weeks we may lose this pregnancy and with the bleeding for 4 days I had time to prepare for what was most likely going to happen. Dan and I have decided we are going to wait the full 3 months before trying again. I really want to give my body a rest and let it heal itself.  We will definitely be more careful and diligent in making sure we don't become pregnant for a few months as we feel it is important for this break now. I know one day we will have a healthy child. I'm hoping with all that we've been through it has made us realize just how amazing a baby/child can be. We will never take for granted how lucky we will be when we one day get to take our baby home from the hospital :)

The ER doctor said since we've a pregnancy with a birth defect and a miscarriage we can go for genetic testing if we wanted. He suggested I talk to my GP after the scan. I don't think we will yet. We'll give pregnancy one more go before we worry about genetics. Hopefully both these experiences are a one time deal.

still bleeding

As the title says I'm still bleeding. I took yesterday off work because I was worried I might miscarry and really didn't want it to happen at work. I also phoned my doctor's office about my scan they were booking to ask if it was still necessary. My doctor phoned me yesterday evening to ask what I assume is normal questions with bleeding during pregnancy. What kind of bleeding/ how much? Any cramping? Basically it sort of looks/feels like a period. There's been a few very small clots and I haven't really had much cramping. She told me if the bleeding gets really bad or I start getting painful cramps then go to emerg, otherwise she wanted me to come in at 9:30 this morning.

I saw her briefly today and she pretty much asked me the same questions again. My scan had already been booked for Thursday the 19th so she said if nothing changes then go to the scan. Either way I will most likely have this scan. I haven't miscarried yet and sometimes you need a D&C. I'm very undecided about this. After what happened with Hailey I'd decided from then on I would leave everything up to God.  They wouldn't do one until they did a scan and were sure there was no live baby, but I don't know if I could take that chance. Eventually my body must end the pregnancy naturally right? 

I guess what it comes down to is I'm still in limbo. 4 things can happen. I will miscarry naturally and the scan will show there is nothing left of the pregnancy, I will miscarry but still need a D&C because there's something left behind, I don't miscarry and need a D&C because my body sucks and can't deal with it on it's own or........... I don't miscarry and at the scan there's a healthy baby and heart beat.

I know this last one is against all odds but I've always said after Hailey I don't trust odds. Hailey's defect is not very common. It happens, but when you do the ratio of HLHS to the number of pregnancies a year the odds are incredibly low. For this reason I will keep faith that this pregnancy still has potential however small that chance may be. Deep down I know what will probably happen but I will not lose faith that this could work out. 

spotting

I know I've done a lot of posts the past couple days but this is also my way of keeping track of what happens and when. Last night after much debate my husband convinced me to have sex. I know this may sound odd but with this pregnancy I've noticed my cervix is less tolerant. Due to my past cervical issues I always bleed when I have a pap smear done. With this pregnancy there's been a few times I've also bled after sex. Pretty much any time my cervix is touched I've started spotting, including the ultrasound. (Sorry if this is TMI!)

I woke up this morning and when I wiped after peeing there was brown blood. I know this means dried blood and with last night I wasn't too worried. As the morning progressed the brown blood turned to red spotting. I only worked until noon today so when I got home I just stayed in bed and watched t.v. When I did go to the bathroom I noticed 3 small (very small) clots at different times through the day. I'm not bleeding a lot and it seems to switch between brown and red. I've only told my husband and one friend this as I don't want to worry my mum and sister since there is nothing that can be done if I am going to miscarry. I'm still hopeful though. I've known a lot of women who have had some sort of bleeding during their pregnancy's and it turns out ok. (The friend I told had bleeding all the way through her last pregnancy with her daughter.) I know the odds are against me, but I refuse to give up hope.  I will continue to believe this pregnancy can work out until I fully miscarry or hopefully, give birth.

I did tell one new person what was going on. My cousin and her husband (who now live in the US) who are both pastors. I e-mailed her last night to ask for her to pray for us and this baby. I also wrote that I do not plan on telling the rest of my family (besides her mum, who I'm very close with after we scatter Hailey's ashes) until I am at least 16 weeks.

I also wanted to say a huge thank-you to everyone who has kept us in their thoughts and prayers. I should hopefully get a call from my doctor tomorrow with a scan date (and fingers crossed the spotting stops.) Hope everyone is having a good week.

Back from Dr's appointment

I just got back from my appointment with my GP.  She was horrified that the ultrasound tech told me I would start bleeding. She said they are NEVER allowed to say that. I now will definitely be complaining. She also had to call and have a report faxed over even though my scan was a week to the day. Here's what was written in the report:

LMP: 05-Jun-2010
ASSIGNED GA: 6W 1D
SONOGRAPHIC FINDINGS: Single Fetus
IMAGING: scan quality satisfactory (I knew the scan quality wasn't good since they turned the contrast down instead of getting me to empty my bladder)
COMMENT: No CRL seen, no YS seen.
IMPRESSION: An intrauterine pregnancy is identified. By mean sac diameter, there is a 2 week discordance in dates. However, there is also neither fetal pole nor a yolk sac seen on today's scan. My suspicion is that this represents a missed abortion. However, it is worth giving this pregnancy the benefit of the doubt. Suggest repeat examination in 1 week. (After talking to my husband who had no idea what a missed abortion meant I feel I should clarify. A missed abortion basically means a missed miscarriage. The baby has stopped growing but my body hasn't realized yet.)
BEST EDD: 28-Mar-2011

When my doctor came back in, she sat down next to me and read it out. She also told me she has seen this before and women have gone on to have healthy babies from the pregnancy. She asked if I'd like to go back to that hospital and I said no. She's going to try to book a scan in a week with my local hospital.

Keeping the hope alive :)