Loss group last night

I have my appointment with my GP in an hour and am looking forward to hopefully having a little bit more information about what's going on. I'll update as soon as I get back.

On a different note Dan and I went to our neonatal loss support group last night. This was only our second meeting since we meet once a month. This time there was just us and one other couple. Near the end of the meeting I told them and the counsellor what we've been going through this past week because although I'm so happy to potentially be pregnant again but there's still that guilt about moving forward from our loss with Hailey and feeling as though she is going to be replaced. After the meeting was over, we stood out in the parking lot for a good 15 minutes chatting. They showed us pictures of their stillborn son and shared that they had just found out they too were pregnant! I was nervous about sharing what we were going through with the group in fear that they would look down on us for becoming pregnant again so it was nice to not be alone. They then said the other couple who were there last week is pregnant as well! All 3 couples who attend regularly are pregnant and due early 2011! With the other lady that attends the group occasionally who is 28 weeks we've just turned the group from neonatal loss to pregnancy after loss! Dan always looking at things a little differently told me when we got home how horrible it will be for the next couple who joins having to see a room full of pregnant women. I just hope we never have to have another couple join although deep down I know it will happen to someone else soon enough.

I wrote a blog last week and wanted to attach pictures of Hailey but I can't find out how to do it yet. I've added pics before but have turned clueless as to how I did it. I also thought I should warn people that my next post will most likely have pics of her.

Feeling more positive

I called yesterday to make an appointment with my GP since I still have no idea what is actually going on and couldn't get one until Tuesday the 10th! She'll then book another ultrasound as long as I haven't miscarried by then. I was feeling kinda down about this but my husband said it could turn into a good thing. The longer we wait for the second scan the more likely they will see the baby and the heart beat. He's such a glass half full kinda guy!

I went to a clinic the night we got back from the hospital hoping to get some answers. He was really great. Tried to reassure me and told me he'd order whatever tests I wanted done. All I wanted was the HCG level and he called me the next day to say it came back between 6-7 weeks which means there's a very good possibility I am just 6 weeks and couldn't see anything yet because bean was too small :)

As positive as I'm being I still panic over every ache and pain I get. I've had to promise myself I'd limit going to the bathroom to check for blood for when I really need to go. As positive as I am I just can't get out of my head how certain the ultrasound tech was that we'd lose this pregnancy. I'm wondering if it's just our luck that we will have some sort of problem/worry with every pregnancy. Hopefully all will be well and we've gotten it out of the way nice and early. Bring on the healthy pregnancy and baby!

Am I being punished?

I've been writing a lot of posts today but I'm all over the place. I just feel like I'm being punished for something. Despite our decision I do believe in God. I do believe that ending the pregnancy was wrong in His eyes but I felt like I was doing the right thing for Hailey. Now I'm questioning that. I'm just so tired of hearing bad news. When is it going to be our turn? When are we going to have a good pregnancy? Are we ever going to have kids of our own or will be have to adopt?

No one seems to know the right thing to say. Everyone keeps saying the wrong thing and I keep getting frustrated. My husband's trying to be positive but I just can't. After all we've been through I can't think the best and get hurt again. I'd rather think the worst and have everything work out against the odds. The first person I told was my mum and she just kept saying "it'll happen when it's supposed to." I believe this but why? Why do we have to go through all this? Couldn't we just take a year to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy and baby instead of a year of bad news and losses? I told my sister who didn't really know what to say. Which is probably the best response I've gotten. I went to the lab to get blood tests done and got the girl I had told when I found out I as pregnant for support to take my blood. I knew she had a blighted ovum that they found at 13 weeks so I was asking her about it. It wasn't much help though. Then she said "oh you should come to my house and look after my 2 year old for a few hours. That'll make you want to wait to have kids!" Not at all what I wanted to hear. I'd love to have a 2 year old. I'd love to have a baby. I'm sure I wouldn't appreciate it if we hadn't been through all this but I'd love a colicky baby at the moment. I JUST WANT A BABY. My baby and I hate how people say that expecting me to suddenly say "your right having kids just isn't worth it after hearing about your grumpy 2 year old." I told my Dad tonight. He didn't know I was pregnant and he said "I'm sure it'll all work out in the end." What the hell is that supposed to mean? I hate when people say this. We heard that SO much with Hailey before we had the echo and only knew there might be a problem. Well it didn't work out in the end. I know too well that it doesn't always work out.

I guess the question I'm having a hard time with is: Will I ever hold my live baby or did I miss my only chance? The worst part is I'm not most upset about how this pregnancy is doing. More then anything I just miss Hailey.

I'm emotionally a wreck. I can't stop crying. One minute I'm thinking positive the next I'm going to the bathroom checking for blood. How did my life change so drastically? How did my life become so crappy? I thought the first couple years of marriage were supposed to be the best not the most trying. Daniel is trying to be supportive but there isn't really anything he can say to make this or me better. I feel like such a failure.

Back from scan.....

Well it's not good news. They did an internal scan (which is not fun by the way) and at first I got excited because I thought I could hear a little heart beat. The sonographer was training so there was the trainee and trainer in the room. I didn't really know what to look for but they kept the picture on this round dark circle which I'm assuming was the sac. After the trainee was done the trainer took over and had a go. She then asked me if I was sure about my dates. My reply was yes. She then ended the ultrasound and said they would go speak to a doctor and come back. I knew it wasn't good. I told my husband I was pretty sure it was an empty sac (blighted ovum.) The ultrasound tech came back and told me that there's a sac measuring 6 weeks. I would most likely miscarry, but the doctor suggested I come back in 10-14 days because sometimes it is just dates being off. She then said "but don't be surprised if you start bleeding before then" and walked out the room. LOVELY! I was so surprised with how blunt she was and the lack of compassion. I don't know if this was because of ending our last pregnancy, but we've never had such a lack of caring at the hospital before.

I don't know what to do right now. Part of me wants to be positive that it could still work out, but the more I think about the past couple weeks the more I know deep down it's over. Here's why....

1) I had a positive preg test at what I thought would be exactly 4 weeks. The line was very faint but going off the ultrasound I should've just conceived which I'm pretty sure means the test should've been negative.
2) I had an HCG done at what should've been 4 weeks +4 days and the levels were in the 400's which my doctor put at 4-5 weeks. Could my levels have been that high if I was really just 2 weeks + 4 days?
3) I don't feel pregnant. I've had no morning sickness and besides being more hungry and the positive tests I haven't had any other pregnancy symptoms.

I went to a walk in clinic when I got home and asked them to do an HCG level. He was a little bit more reasuring saying that the ranges vary so much for HCG that it might not mean the worst and if I'm 6 weeks sometimes there's not much baby to see on the ultrasound yet. This has given me a little bit more hope. Up until seeing the doctor I wasn't planning on going back for the ultrasound. I figured I'd just wait to miscarry. Now I'm contemplating going back. I'll make an appointment with my family doctor hopefully for Friday and see what she says. All I know is that I don't want to have a D&C unless absolutely necessary. I'd rather miscarry naturally. I think part of this is in hope that they are wrong and I'll be 15 weeks and feel the quickening. I feel like I'm going crazy and just don't know how to feel or act. I just wish I could crawl into a cave for a few months and be by myself. I was actually starting to get excited about this pregnancy. I was starting to believe it was possible to have a healthy baby.

I'll keep you updated when I know more.

It's a few hours later and my HCG level from this afternoon is already online! 9473 which would put me at 6-7 weeks. This doesn't help me with my confusion.

Leaving soon

I'm leaving to head to the hospital soon. This morning has just flown by. I just came on to look up directions (since the hospital is a couple hours away) and it seems like every time google maps gives a new way to get there! Gotta head off, have a quick pee (probably TMI! I hate having to drink so much water and then try to hold it!!!) and pick up Daniel from work. Getting excited!!!!!

Patiently waiting for tomorrow.....

In less then 24 hours we'll know how this baby is doing! I'm trying to be optimistic and I really do feel like everything will be ok. I've joined a few groups online for pregnancy after loss and termination for medical reasons. They've been really great and have helped so much. This I feel is the reason I've been feeling better and more optimistic. There's about 6 people on the pregnancy after loss group who have lost babies at different stages from HLHS. It's great to see them ahead of me having their echo's and scans and having everything turn out good. I know this doesn't mean it will for me, but it gives me hope to see that it really does turn out sometimes :) I still haven't had any morning sickness either! I nearly was sick today but that was my own fault. I went golfing with my mum this morning and was late leaving the house so instead of eating something I gulped down a glass of milk. BAD IDEA! Drinking milk quickly on an empty pregnant stomach does not leave you feeling all that well. I guess lesson learned!

On another positive note I'm going to pick up my grandmother's dog from the vet in an hour. They don't know what it was except she had pancreatitis (which really just means inflammation of the pancreas) so who knows how she got it but as long as she is doing better that's all that matters.

I'm really looking forward to the ultrasound tomorrow. I'm going back to the same hospital we had the others and where I delivered Hailey so that will be hard but hoping for a turn in our luck. I've heard you can get pictures from ultrasounds as early as 8 weeks and I've been contemplating getting them. I don't think I will though. I just don't feel right going and paying for the pictures, giving the receipt to the ultrasound tech and assuming it will all go well. These are the times when it doesn't for me. I'd rather see a baby with a good heart rate then have pictures. Maybe I'm just paranoid but as long as it works out I don't care why or how.

I'll update as soon as I can tomorrow!!!!!!