still bleeding

As the title says I'm still bleeding. I took yesterday off work because I was worried I might miscarry and really didn't want it to happen at work. I also phoned my doctor's office about my scan they were booking to ask if it was still necessary. My doctor phoned me yesterday evening to ask what I assume is normal questions with bleeding during pregnancy. What kind of bleeding/ how much? Any cramping? Basically it sort of looks/feels like a period. There's been a few very small clots and I haven't really had much cramping. She told me if the bleeding gets really bad or I start getting painful cramps then go to emerg, otherwise she wanted me to come in at 9:30 this morning.

I saw her briefly today and she pretty much asked me the same questions again. My scan had already been booked for Thursday the 19th so she said if nothing changes then go to the scan. Either way I will most likely have this scan. I haven't miscarried yet and sometimes you need a D&C. I'm very undecided about this. After what happened with Hailey I'd decided from then on I would leave everything up to God.  They wouldn't do one until they did a scan and were sure there was no live baby, but I don't know if I could take that chance. Eventually my body must end the pregnancy naturally right? 

I guess what it comes down to is I'm still in limbo. 4 things can happen. I will miscarry naturally and the scan will show there is nothing left of the pregnancy, I will miscarry but still need a D&C because there's something left behind, I don't miscarry and need a D&C because my body sucks and can't deal with it on it's own or........... I don't miscarry and at the scan there's a healthy baby and heart beat.

I know this last one is against all odds but I've always said after Hailey I don't trust odds. Hailey's defect is not very common. It happens, but when you do the ratio of HLHS to the number of pregnancies a year the odds are incredibly low. For this reason I will keep faith that this pregnancy still has potential however small that chance may be. Deep down I know what will probably happen but I will not lose faith that this could work out. 

spotting

I know I've done a lot of posts the past couple days but this is also my way of keeping track of what happens and when. Last night after much debate my husband convinced me to have sex. I know this may sound odd but with this pregnancy I've noticed my cervix is less tolerant. Due to my past cervical issues I always bleed when I have a pap smear done. With this pregnancy there's been a few times I've also bled after sex. Pretty much any time my cervix is touched I've started spotting, including the ultrasound. (Sorry if this is TMI!)

I woke up this morning and when I wiped after peeing there was brown blood. I know this means dried blood and with last night I wasn't too worried. As the morning progressed the brown blood turned to red spotting. I only worked until noon today so when I got home I just stayed in bed and watched t.v. When I did go to the bathroom I noticed 3 small (very small) clots at different times through the day. I'm not bleeding a lot and it seems to switch between brown and red. I've only told my husband and one friend this as I don't want to worry my mum and sister since there is nothing that can be done if I am going to miscarry. I'm still hopeful though. I've known a lot of women who have had some sort of bleeding during their pregnancy's and it turns out ok. (The friend I told had bleeding all the way through her last pregnancy with her daughter.) I know the odds are against me, but I refuse to give up hope.  I will continue to believe this pregnancy can work out until I fully miscarry or hopefully, give birth.

I did tell one new person what was going on. My cousin and her husband (who now live in the US) who are both pastors. I e-mailed her last night to ask for her to pray for us and this baby. I also wrote that I do not plan on telling the rest of my family (besides her mum, who I'm very close with after we scatter Hailey's ashes) until I am at least 16 weeks.

I also wanted to say a huge thank-you to everyone who has kept us in their thoughts and prayers. I should hopefully get a call from my doctor tomorrow with a scan date (and fingers crossed the spotting stops.) Hope everyone is having a good week.

Back from Dr's appointment

I just got back from my appointment with my GP.  She was horrified that the ultrasound tech told me I would start bleeding. She said they are NEVER allowed to say that. I now will definitely be complaining. She also had to call and have a report faxed over even though my scan was a week to the day. Here's what was written in the report:

LMP: 05-Jun-2010
ASSIGNED GA: 6W 1D
SONOGRAPHIC FINDINGS: Single Fetus
IMAGING: scan quality satisfactory (I knew the scan quality wasn't good since they turned the contrast down instead of getting me to empty my bladder)
COMMENT: No CRL seen, no YS seen.
IMPRESSION: An intrauterine pregnancy is identified. By mean sac diameter, there is a 2 week discordance in dates. However, there is also neither fetal pole nor a yolk sac seen on today's scan. My suspicion is that this represents a missed abortion. However, it is worth giving this pregnancy the benefit of the doubt. Suggest repeat examination in 1 week. (After talking to my husband who had no idea what a missed abortion meant I feel I should clarify. A missed abortion basically means a missed miscarriage. The baby has stopped growing but my body hasn't realized yet.)
BEST EDD: 28-Mar-2011

When my doctor came back in, she sat down next to me and read it out. She also told me she has seen this before and women have gone on to have healthy babies from the pregnancy. She asked if I'd like to go back to that hospital and I said no. She's going to try to book a scan in a week with my local hospital.

Keeping the hope alive :)

Loss group last night

I have my appointment with my GP in an hour and am looking forward to hopefully having a little bit more information about what's going on. I'll update as soon as I get back.

On a different note Dan and I went to our neonatal loss support group last night. This was only our second meeting since we meet once a month. This time there was just us and one other couple. Near the end of the meeting I told them and the counsellor what we've been going through this past week because although I'm so happy to potentially be pregnant again but there's still that guilt about moving forward from our loss with Hailey and feeling as though she is going to be replaced. After the meeting was over, we stood out in the parking lot for a good 15 minutes chatting. They showed us pictures of their stillborn son and shared that they had just found out they too were pregnant! I was nervous about sharing what we were going through with the group in fear that they would look down on us for becoming pregnant again so it was nice to not be alone. They then said the other couple who were there last week is pregnant as well! All 3 couples who attend regularly are pregnant and due early 2011! With the other lady that attends the group occasionally who is 28 weeks we've just turned the group from neonatal loss to pregnancy after loss! Dan always looking at things a little differently told me when we got home how horrible it will be for the next couple who joins having to see a room full of pregnant women. I just hope we never have to have another couple join although deep down I know it will happen to someone else soon enough.

I wrote a blog last week and wanted to attach pictures of Hailey but I can't find out how to do it yet. I've added pics before but have turned clueless as to how I did it. I also thought I should warn people that my next post will most likely have pics of her.

Feeling more positive

I called yesterday to make an appointment with my GP since I still have no idea what is actually going on and couldn't get one until Tuesday the 10th! She'll then book another ultrasound as long as I haven't miscarried by then. I was feeling kinda down about this but my husband said it could turn into a good thing. The longer we wait for the second scan the more likely they will see the baby and the heart beat. He's such a glass half full kinda guy!

I went to a clinic the night we got back from the hospital hoping to get some answers. He was really great. Tried to reassure me and told me he'd order whatever tests I wanted done. All I wanted was the HCG level and he called me the next day to say it came back between 6-7 weeks which means there's a very good possibility I am just 6 weeks and couldn't see anything yet because bean was too small :)

As positive as I'm being I still panic over every ache and pain I get. I've had to promise myself I'd limit going to the bathroom to check for blood for when I really need to go. As positive as I am I just can't get out of my head how certain the ultrasound tech was that we'd lose this pregnancy. I'm wondering if it's just our luck that we will have some sort of problem/worry with every pregnancy. Hopefully all will be well and we've gotten it out of the way nice and early. Bring on the healthy pregnancy and baby!

Am I being punished?

I've been writing a lot of posts today but I'm all over the place. I just feel like I'm being punished for something. Despite our decision I do believe in God. I do believe that ending the pregnancy was wrong in His eyes but I felt like I was doing the right thing for Hailey. Now I'm questioning that. I'm just so tired of hearing bad news. When is it going to be our turn? When are we going to have a good pregnancy? Are we ever going to have kids of our own or will be have to adopt?

No one seems to know the right thing to say. Everyone keeps saying the wrong thing and I keep getting frustrated. My husband's trying to be positive but I just can't. After all we've been through I can't think the best and get hurt again. I'd rather think the worst and have everything work out against the odds. The first person I told was my mum and she just kept saying "it'll happen when it's supposed to." I believe this but why? Why do we have to go through all this? Couldn't we just take a year to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy and baby instead of a year of bad news and losses? I told my sister who didn't really know what to say. Which is probably the best response I've gotten. I went to the lab to get blood tests done and got the girl I had told when I found out I as pregnant for support to take my blood. I knew she had a blighted ovum that they found at 13 weeks so I was asking her about it. It wasn't much help though. Then she said "oh you should come to my house and look after my 2 year old for a few hours. That'll make you want to wait to have kids!" Not at all what I wanted to hear. I'd love to have a 2 year old. I'd love to have a baby. I'm sure I wouldn't appreciate it if we hadn't been through all this but I'd love a colicky baby at the moment. I JUST WANT A BABY. My baby and I hate how people say that expecting me to suddenly say "your right having kids just isn't worth it after hearing about your grumpy 2 year old." I told my Dad tonight. He didn't know I was pregnant and he said "I'm sure it'll all work out in the end." What the hell is that supposed to mean? I hate when people say this. We heard that SO much with Hailey before we had the echo and only knew there might be a problem. Well it didn't work out in the end. I know too well that it doesn't always work out.

I guess the question I'm having a hard time with is: Will I ever hold my live baby or did I miss my only chance? The worst part is I'm not most upset about how this pregnancy is doing. More then anything I just miss Hailey.

I'm emotionally a wreck. I can't stop crying. One minute I'm thinking positive the next I'm going to the bathroom checking for blood. How did my life change so drastically? How did my life become so crappy? I thought the first couple years of marriage were supposed to be the best not the most trying. Daniel is trying to be supportive but there isn't really anything he can say to make this or me better. I feel like such a failure.