Moments of sadness

Even now 2 years on I still get moments of overwhelming sadness. I'm always surprised when this happens because it's not nearly as often anymore. This doesn't mean I don't think of Hailey daily just that I don't often cry when I think of her now. It also surprises me what the trigger is. I had one of these moments Wednesday at work.

I was taking blood from a patient when a song came on the radio. I normally tune out the radio but for some reason I was very aware the moment the song started playing. The song was the "olympic song" 2 years ago. I'm not sure the actual name of the song. I then just suddenly felt really sad and my mind started wandering (of course this is after I finished with my patient and walked away.) I started thinking about the first time I'd heard the song and how many times I'd heard it at work in February 2010. I then started thinking about how I was pregnant and full of excitement for the baby.  About all the things I did when the olympics were here and how I was looking forward to telling the baby that they'd been there with me too. I felt stupid for being so naive and not knowing my world was going to fall apart a month and a half later.

I had to go into the bathroom and have a little cry. Thinking of Lauren helped. If I couldn't have Hailey I'm so grateful we were given Lauren. Like I've said many times, Lauren will never replace Hailey but she does make it easier to move forward. She forces me to focus on the present and not on the things I cannot change, no matter how much I wish I could. These moments are becoming less and less often but I think they'll always be a part of my life. A life without one of my daughters.

Back to work

I went back to work this past Monday. I'm so thankful for getting to spend this year off with Lauren but I'm also happy to be back at work. As much as I love being home with her I'm never going to be a stay at home mum both for financial and social reasons. I'm just not the type of person who likes to stay home even if I do get to spend time with my gorgeous girl. I'm also thankful that I have this new position which means I'm only away from her for half a day. We're very lucky that my parents have offered to help us with childcare too. I'll do a brief description of how each day of the week went and where we had issues.

Monday: Dan had the day off which was quite convenient so she spent the day with him. I honestly don't think she really even noticed I was gone and just enjoyed his company. I started at 8:30, left a bottle for the morning came home at lunch to pump the afternoon bottle then when I got home after 4:30 I pumped again for the next mornings bottle. Both Dan and Lauren were asleep when I left for work at 8:15 (go figure, my first day back at work I could've slept in if I'd been home!!) Monday night she slept well.

Tuesday: I left again at 8:15 but Dan didn't start until 10 so the morning was quite relaxed. We all sat and had breakfast together and she was fine when I left. Dan dropped her off on his way to work at my mum's and she didn't seem bothered. It was a nice day so they spent a large part of the day outside (which she loves.) After I pumped on my lunch I dropped it off at my mum's without Lauren seeing me. I didn't want her to "remember" me and get upset when I only had time to stop by for a few minutes. When I came to pick her up at 5, after I'd gone home to pump she was very happy to see me. she gave me the biggest smile and hug then refused to let go. Unfortunately that night she fought sleep hard and wouldn't go to sleep until 11pm and that was only after we decided to let her sleep in our bed.

Wednesday: was like Tuesday including the sleeping issue at night.

Thursday: was the same with my mum but I heard her start to cry when I closed the door to leave. I think this was the first time she'd cried all week when I left. I think she was so tired that she fell asleep around 9pm in her crib (yay!!!!!) She spent the first half of the night in her crib but after 1am she started waking every hour so finally at 4am I brought her into our bed so I could get those couple hours of sleep.

Friday: was again the same during the day and last night she was asleep at her normal bedtime (8:30). She woke up at 5am and didn't want to go back to sleep so I brought her into our bed.

Saturday: I had the day off today but Dan had to work. We had our breakfast together in the morning and Lauren got upset when Dan left for work. She was VERY clingy and needy all morning. It felt like she was waiting for me to leave too. She fought going down for her naps and when she did sleep it wasn't for longer then 30 minutes. I think the lack of giving in to sleep is her version of separation anxiety. She's worried I won't be there when she wakes up :( Tonight we went for dinner at my dad's so we didn't get home until 9pm but she fell asleep on the way home and she is currently sleeping peacefully in her crib.

I had to go back full time this week to do my retraining. Monday was SO boring because I mainly filled out a bunch of paperwork, did 7 quizzes and certifications then went through and deleted all 1216 e-mails I'd received in my year off. Tuesday I was a normal employee, although still technically on training all week. It honestly feels like I never left, which is great. I'm looking forward to going back to my normal hours (part time) so that Lauren has an even better sense of normalcy. Once my hours and her schedule are consistent I'm hoping she'll get used to my being at work. I know this week could've gone a lot worse with the separation anxiety so I'm happy with how it went.

I'll end with a pic of Lauren :)

Taken a few weeks ago and has made me realize that I really need to take more pictures of Lauren!!!!